Knowing

It is a release.  Like I finally took the weights out of my pockets and I can start running again without that tension.  In reality I'm leaving something behind and I should be moved to feel sad over, but as things go, it has me happy, relieved, regretful to have waited to change.  Excited to be myself again.  Almost as if it were a curse I was under.  There are things I would say, things I say to everyone else, that wont exist around you, because I was someone else.  Too much excitement and fear within myself when you were around.  Far too many momentous feelings bottled in my mind that all waited to flood out.  The sheer quantity and preoccupation with this mass of lingerings kept anything from being portrayed in the right way, which in turn would lead to a simple failure of communication.  Failure to communicate was ironically, looking back now, probably the most beneficial thing for me.  For the sake of the trust in my own feelings and inclinations, it was better to keep them in before they came out just to be forced away.
Though I didn't get what I hoped for, and when I think on it I could be unhappy, I am grateful for the feeling of hope and the drive I had because of it.  It is key to speculate the things in your life that are the benefactors to keep you going.
Now, back to my goals.